I just found out last week that one of my Facebook friends committed suicide. My heart is hurting. It hurts not only for her death, but for her life. She and I had way too much in common.
I will not say I knew her well. I didn't. But the bond we did share is that we each were abused in domestic violence related attacks, we were each not believed within the court system, we each lost access to the ones we loved the most (our children), we each battled the fear of it happening again, and we each went spiraling into depression and lost identity the day they left.
I loved her because I KNEW the pain she went through. We instantly bonded, as so many other victims of domestic and sexual violence and I have done over the last several years. I knew her fear. I knew her distrust. I knew her hatred for what wouldn't leave her alone and continued to torment her. I knew her heartache and that is what makes me cry even now. I know that place of wanting to die because it feels like the pain is too much to handle. Justice doesn't reign in so many cases of domestic violence or other types of abuse. Losses come and so many people and professionals look to the victim like they are the one at fault.
I know how hard it is to lose your children because of someone's else's hatred and lies. I know how hard it is to feel like everyone is blaming you. From a person who knows the struggle, I know how hard it is to keep going when everything begins to feel like it's your fault. I felt crazy and many people were telling me I was.
My friend lost access to her son a few months ago. She killed herself because of it. I have spent years in therapy and at the footstool of Christ trying to make sense over not being able to see my own children, not being able to hold them and raise them and show them my heart. I spent years wanting and praying to die. My life withstood the pressure and I came out on the other side. I cry because I don't why my friend didn't make it. I cry because I know how hard it is to withstand that kind of pain in losing a child. I cry because I know the injustice that is felt and the disbelief that people can't see the truth. I cry because she's gone and her children will never know her in person on this earth.
If you are in a situation where you feel suicide is your way out, please reconsider. Please call me or contact a suicide hotline. Our children are only children for a time. They grow up and God has showed me in the last several years that life isn't about whether we lose or we win. It is about Him. He stepped into my gap of loss with seeing all four of my children. He stepped in and gave me life despite what the court system and the people of this world took from and said about me. He is the One we need most of all and I give my friends life to Him, even in her death. She was a believer and I know she was loved by Him.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Rachel Everhart RN