by Metta Mo
Reflecting, Rejecting and Accepting.
It is my choice
Life after abuse is not easy,
learning to live again, is like learning
to walk again after an injury.
Learning to trust again, love again and
hardest of all learning to forgive without receiving an apology and then forgiving yourself for ever tolerating less than you deserve.
Through the healing process I have learned that the reason I am so forgiving towards others now, is because I understand the psychology behind the emotion. The reason I am not so self-forgiving is because of that same understanding. It is also that
understanding that gives me the ability to look in the mirror and say to myself, self...
You have the option to pick and choose what you allow to affect you, or how it will affect you, negatively or positively?
The obvious choice is going to be to self-preserve, if I don't learn to love myself more, and treat myself right, I can't teach anyone else how to love me and treat me right. I have to love what I see when my reflection is looking back at me, I have to make sure what’s on the inside reflects what I see, and then walk confidently knowing I am okay with who I am, just the way I am.
Not leaving room for anyone else to come in and try to define me, or make me doubt myself.
It wasn’t my choice, you know, to become a victim of abuse. It is never a choice and why would it be. It falls, it seems, at random amongst young girls. Some are privileged and some have grown into families of turmoil and chaos. Sometimes families are privileged and still experience abuse. There is no real structure or predisposition to abuse of any kind.
I was abused sexually, physically and mentally. As a small child, I was chased down by my cousin, who was mentally disabled. My parents were clueless, or at least they acted like they were. They thought it was cute how the handicapped man loved to play with their little girl. I guess I sound bitter, but the bitterness is something I still have trouble dealing with. As I was saying, I was chased down, hunted and pulled out of closets, weeds and from underneath beds. When this happened, I was told to be quiet or else I would be hurt.
For years, this happened, right underneath my parent’s noses, and for years, I buried things and created imaginary friends. Little did I know, I was developing other things as well-mental illnesses such as anxiety disorder, PTSD and Bipolar disorder. They say these things are hereditary but mainly dormant, that is, until something triggers these diseases. They are diseases, you know, because no one asks to have this happen to them and no one asks to live with an imperfect mentality.
It’s not fair, you know. No one said it would be.
As a teenager and a young adult, I experienced many other negative relationships and conditions of life. I was bullied all throughout high school and then succumbed to drugs during college. Drinking was also a way to drown the past and the pain. Did I mention, my imaginary friends never went away? Many times, classmates saw me talking to something that wasn’t there. They were frightened and yet hated me for being different. One time, I thought I was going to die because my imaginary friend told me so. I cried through class and ended up at local child Psychologist’s office. I wouldn’t talk to him because my mentally disabled cousin told me to never tell anyone about what he did to me. I didn’t tell and so I lied to make my parents stop taking me to therapy. I hated therapy, I hated everything.
Then I didn’t care. I went from caring too much to being numb. I got deeper into drugs and alcohol, dropping out of college and getting pregnant. I got an abortion in my early twenties because my boyfriend, at the time, said it was for the best. He told me that he couldn’t promise to be around for the child and that we were too young. I killed my baby and it was something that would haunt me for the rest of my life. Then I got married.
I did get pregnant again, and then again. Then I got pregnant one more time. I had three children in the course of 10 years. I can say this was a perfect time in my life. I could look into their eyes and see an unconditional love and innocence. For a moment, I felt like everything would be okay. I thought the coin had flipped and my life would change for the better.
For a moment, that is, until things got dark again and my husband fell deeply into drugs and alcohol abuse. He was physically abusive and I was trapped. I felt the darkness surround me and my children, sucking out the happiness that I had felt before, at their birth. I grew to hate again, I even started to do drugs and alcohol once more. Sometimes I stayed up all night drinking and went to work the next day. I cut myself as well.
It seemed hopeless.
Amidst all the pain, the hell and the confusion, I found God. I cannot say that I stayed with him for very long, but I found him. I would walk outside away from the toxic atmosphere of my home and see God in everything. I saw him in the wind, the trees, the birds and the sun. He was everywhere and he loved me. My husband came to the Lord as well and he stopped being physically abusive to me. Things were looking up, but…
It wasn’t enough for me yet, it seemed. Things weren’t changing as fast as I thought they should and so I decided to live selfishly and do things my way. I left my marriage. I left my faith. I went out into the world to find out who I was and if I was worth saving. I got deeper into the pit of despair.
Right now, I’m crying. This story rips a hole in me. I don’t like telling this story because it hurts. I don’t like hurting because I still hurt every day of my life. I could say I am healed but I’m not. I would be lying. I could say that I never fail God, but I do. I do this every day. There is one positive thing out of all this, well, a few things.
I am trying again, with my marriage. My family is together and my oldest son is in college. It’s not perfect, in fact, it’s far from perfect and sometimes I wonder if trying again was a mistake. I went back to God and fell at his feet. I cried and asked him to forgive me for everything I’ve done and how I’ve failed him. I still ask him to help me every day, because I am in so much pain. I cannot tell you why I hurt so badly, I just do.
The light of my life is my Lord and my savior. My happiness is also my children. I try to have patience, faith and love in order to heal my marriage. I know God is able to do all things even heal my faith in him. So, I guess this is where I end this writing.
I want to say that nothing is perfect. Pain comes, pain goes and pain comes back again sometimes. I think the real thing, the best thing and the most powerful thing to remember is faith. You have to have faith to know that the pain will not be constant and you are strong enough to handle it. You have been through hell. I assume this from some of you. You have seen horrific things in life. Remember, God has seen everything you have been through and he is here for you. You can run to him amidst your pain and he will give you comfort.
Healing isn’t always instantaneous, take me for example. I still struggle through hell sometimes. I run to my father in heaven, because he is the only way I have made it this far. He is the source of my strength within my chaos. He is everything. He keeps you breathing and you are loved. Never forget that! YOU ARE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY!
by Metta Mo
Raising Children after leaving my abuser has not been the easiest thing to do, because I am still in the process of healing and recovery, I often get wrapped up in so many things in attempts to just hold it together and keep some sort of stability for all of us that I don’t always remember to tell them just how much they mean to me. This is for my three boys.
While I can never undo all that we have been through, thank you for being blessings. I don’t do everything right and yet you love me anyway. Please know I love you too more than words can ever really express. But with this poem to you, I tried my best to express it. Love All three of you, may you take what you need out of this individually. And always remember to Keep God first as you grow, He will never leave you.
I see you my sweet child
The inner workings of your soul
Please cherish being youthful
Why rush into growing old
Run, and jump and play
While life is still carefree
Don't be in such a hurry
Time will take you there
For now you need not worry
It is my job to care.
Your job is to be happy
so slow down and simply breathe
Count the stars, spin wildly in the night air, dance underneath the moon
these days won’t last forever
don’t grow up too soon.
Please know that in my correction
lies the purest form of love
I just want you to be better, to laugh and smile and live.
I am far from perfect but
it’s the best I have to give.
Sweet child let the light of hope
Return in your eyes
Please remember that I love you
and every morning when you rise
Take it with you always, keep it
all throughout your years
your mother’s love
it is eternal, lasting long after I’m not here.
So many of us hate change in our lives, but I have found that change is a must in order to grow.
Life has a way of throwing punches that we have no way of preparing for. This happened to me in so many different areas of my life over many years. The only comfort I found during these times, was my relationship with Christ. He ended up being the only one that truly understood what I needed and what was happening. He was, and still often is, the only One that truly gets it and knows what direction I should go for help.
When you suffer from domestic violence, many resources either aren't there or aren't helpful in the whole scheme of things. People start giving you their opinion and this may lead you the right way, but it also may lead you the wrong way. It is hard to know what to do when life is turned upside down.
How do we learn to trust what direction to go? How do we learn to get help in the places that we need help in? How do we learn to heal and overcome these issues? I have found that it is only by the love of Christ and His direction for our lives. This statement doesn't mean you will find help within the church building. It may only be found by your own personal relationship with Him. You may still choose wrong and go wrong, but He will be there with you until the end. He won't leave, no matter what anyone tells you. He won't leave you.
Open your heart, let Him in and keep letting Him in no matter what anyone says or does to you. Change is a must in order to grow. He is with you until the end.
Something I wrote a few years back for an online magazine...thought I would share..
By Rachel Everhart
He filled me with life
He chased away my fears
He gave me hope
My husband didn’t like it
he tried to smother it out of me
his anger and rage were superhuman
he took my dignity and sanity with him when he tied me to our bed
He almost took my life but God had a different plan
I prayed to die because my heart was broken
God still said no
Hope lay waste
suffering became my god
love didn’t exist
My children were my hope
until they were all taken from me too
the mountains grew
no sun would shine
My heart faded away and died a silent death
Another man came along
he swept me off my feet
he said he loved God as much as I did
he was crooked and took from those who gave
and made it his own
our lives faded and I died again
I gave up hope once more
Jesus came again
and swept me off my feet
He gave me my life back
He showed me His love
He poured into me His hope and purpose
I now stand as a shadow of what once was
I now stand in life and live more abundantly
He didn’t give up on me
He knew I belonged to Him
And what is His, He shall not forget
His way is the way to life
The spring of life comes from His land
Rachel Everhart RN