When I was 19, I almost died. I had a gun to my head and it was my finger that was on the trigger. I had decided that I was going through with it this time. I had wanted to die for as far back as I could remember. I hated me and I had no good thoughts to think about me. My life was such a struggle and I was tired of feeling alone. I could honestly find nothing good to keep me here. I had completely lost hope.
With my finger on the trigger and my mind racing, all I could do was cry and cry. I cried out to a God that I didn’t really know. “Why would you make me?” I screamed? “Why would you put me here and leave me alone and unlovable?” “Why do you hate me so badly?”
I had decided to go through with it. I was alone in my house away from anybody. Who cares, I thought. Who really cares? Day in and day out, no one asks about me. No one sees me. No one cares for me. I live alone, dying inside and no one sees. Who loves me for me? Who will stand beside me? No one was there.
Why I didn’t go through with it that day, I am not really sure. I wanted to “trial” the gun, so I took it away from my head and shot it in the air. It scared me so badly, that I started shaking and immediately threw the gun down. I never picked it back up to do that again. The thoughts of dying or wanting to die, didn’t go away for many years. I struggled with wanting to die for years and years and years. It wasn’t until God showed me, me, and who I am in Him that those thoughts have now gone away. I still don’t always like being here, but life is life and I am not ready to die by my own hand. I am now waiting on God to take me home in His time. We all have purpose inside of us, and we must fight and ask God to help us through these times. He is here to strengthen us and to give us hope. We have hope in Him, and I see why I lost hope way back then. I never knew Him. I never
knew He is our hope, is lost times. He is our hope in times of struggles. He is all that we need and without Him,
it is so easy to lose hope in life. Without God, there is no tomorrow.
I don’t see suicide as an unforgiveable sin. I don’t see suicide as something that God doesn’t forgive. I do see
suicide as so very sad. It is sad that we lose hope in such a way that the enemy makes us believe even God has
forgotten us. It isn’t true. The feelings are lying to us and there is hope. Jesus is our hope and eternity with Him
is all we need. This life is only temporary, but God knows what we go through. He uses these times to strengthen us and even when it seems He is being mean and unjust, He isn’t. Just look to Him and keep finding one ounce of hope in each day. My life hasn’t been wasted, and even though for many years after this day, I still wanted to die, God is now using these life situations to help someone else. My life gained purpose, even in its bad times.
Suicide is rampant today in teens. It is rampant in the elderly. People that can’t find any good in their life or in their situation. Lost hope. If I could describe the wanting to die inside of me, it stemmed from lost hope. Overwhelming feelings of nothing to live for. Overwhelming thoughts of being so stupid and such a burden in life. Most often, these feelings aren’t real. They play games with our minds and our hearts, making us think we have nothing or nobody to that really cares. Many times this isn’t real. Find hope in front of you.
Find hope in Jesus Christ. Stop being satisfied with believing you are bad and realize that you a great person in Jesus and He will be happy to show you.
Rachel Everhart RN