I often dream of my children and I wonder where they are and how they are doing. I don't have custody of them. I lost that right somewhere along the way. I miss them terribly some days that I can't even function. My heart cries out to my Father in heaven of how much I miss them and how I'm right here. I'm right here. I often wonder why can't they see me? Why can't they feel my heart and see or feel my love? I reach out to them in the physical and they often push me away. Some don't talk to me at all. They've been hurt in their life and it seems they learned to blame me; to punish me for mistakes I never made happen, never wanted to happen. They seem to feel disconnected from me and yet I still love them. I yearn for them in my sleep or when I'm awake. My plans aren't your plans I think, but I'm still here. Right here with you in my heart. I'm sure they think of my life and maybe get angry or upset or some probably don't think of me much at all. They were born from my womb and were raised around me but life happened. Things happened and they were ripped from my grasp and even from my heart. I think of them often and I miss them so much! My heart cries and cries for them and I LOVE them more than my words will ever describe.
As I was writing this and allowing myself to feel it again, I wondered "God is this how you feel? Do you cry and cry for your children? Do we, as Your children, have the wrong thoughts and ideas of Your love and Your thoughts of us? Have we believed the lie that You're to blame for our problems and issues in life?" All You want is our hearts and so many of us have forgotten You. You send people to us and we reject them. You cry out for us and we cant hear You over our own complaints of life. We beg for something to fill that void in our hearts, not knowing that void is meant to be filled by You alone.
I now feel like I have a glimpse of what God's love for His children feels like. The ones that have turned their backs on Him. His love hurts for them. It longs. It believes in what's best, even when it seems so wrong. It doesn't give up hope. It never goes away. It rejoices when they rejoice. It laughs and cries with them even when they have no idea He is even there. His love feels what they feel. It holds on and doesn't let go. Ever. Even when they hate Him, He doesn't let go. He wants no one to leave Him.
My kids cry out to have a place in their heart filled. I'm waiting my turn. My kids are in God's hands. They are His more than they are mine. I wait for His love live to touch them and draw them home. His way is perfect and this means I continue to wait my turn. Father, have your way.
Rachel Everhart RN